Tiffany T. January 12, 2024
Don’t let your partner pay for the sins of the past.
Our past experiences can impact our present and future relationships and cause us to bring emotional baggage into them. We bring our habits and triggers that have nothing to do with our partners. This brokenness may be a result of various factors, such as abandonment, humiliation, betrayal, and a history of unhealthy relationships. Our experiences shape how we treat and love others, and our early experiences can significantly impact our ability to form healthy or unhealthy relationships. This is because our early attachment experiences, such as how we bond with our caregivers, can shape our expectations for relationships in the future However, we tend to unload all our pain and traumas on them, expecting them to just cope with it. Have you ever thought about why your partner just doesn't seem to understand?
“You can’t have unhealthy habits and maintain a healthy relationship”
One example of a pattern that may impact our ability to form healthy relationships is our attachment style. Our attachment style is formed in childhood and is based on how we bond with our caregivers. If we had a secure attachment style, we are more likely to form healthy relationships in adulthood. However, if we have an insecure attachment style, we may struggle with forming healthy relationships, as we may have difficulty trusting others or may become too dependent on our partners.
Another pattern to recognize is our communication style. If we avoid conflict or shut down emotionally, we may struggle with forming healthy relationships. On the other hand, if we tend to be overly critical or aggressive in our communication, we may push our partners away and struggle to form lasting connections.
“Getting to the root of what’s hurting you can only heal you so you can show up better for your partner and most importantly for yourself”
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Triggers are events or circumstances that may cause us to fall back into unhealthy relationship habits. For example, if we experienced abandonment or rejection in the past, we may be triggered by situations that make us feel like we're being rejected or abandoned by our partner. Similarly, if we experienced trauma or abuse in the past, we may be triggered by situations that remind us of that trauma or abuse. Your communication and reactions reflect unresolved emotional issues, stemming from traumas and negative experiences, which will impact your relationship with your partner.
Here are a few examples of what that looks like….
If your partner wants to spend time with their friends without you, you may feel left out or unwanted. This can trigger past feelings of abandonment or rejection.
Having a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite gender can cause feelings of jealousy or insecurity, especially if you have had unfaithful partners in the past or have seen infidelity in your parents' relationships.
Having an upbringing of neglect may cause negative emotions and a misunderstanding of your partner's intentions with you.
It's important to understand that your partner wants to make you happy and be a safe space for you, but they are not responsible for doing any healing work for you. They should not be treated as an emotional punching bag in your moments of insecurity and vulnerability
Let’s say you finally found “the right one” who makes you feel safe, and brings a sense of calm. Deep down those problems are still there just a trigger away so it’s easy to operate in your trauma and to expect your partner to “fix” it. Just think for a moment about the impact that can have on your partner
Expecting your partner to heal certain voids could be dangerous. Let’s say you feel safe with your partner then all of a sudden things go awry. Do you revert to your old patterns, do you feel broken again because you expected your partner to give you the same love you were missing? There’s always a risk and uncertainty of fully relying on your partner for emotional safety as they have the potential to hurt and even leave you because humans are imperfect and sometimes feelings fluctuate and change suddenly. An important question to ask yourself is how much damage would this cause if my partner decides to leave or if it hurt me?
“Strength is no longer defined by the inability to cry, ask for help, or communicate to our partners that we need to focus on ourselves”
Despite these patterns and triggers, it's important to remember that our partners are not responsible for fixing our emotional brokenness. While they can be supportive and understanding, our responsibility is to work through our emotional baggage and heal from past traumas. Speaking to a professional such as a counselor, therapist, or spiritual advisor can be a helpful step in this process. By acknowledging and addressing our emotional issues, we can begin to form healthier relationships and break the cycle of unhealthy habits.
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